2.14.11: How Smart Phones Would Have Ruined Five Great Literary Romances

Happy VD from Baltamore'. In honor of this day of saintly martyrdom and massacre:

1. Gone With the Wind

[email protected] to [email protected], May 18, 1865, 2:48 p.m.
I have just shot a filthy Yankee dead at Tara!

[email protected] to [email protected], May 18, 1865, 3:03 p.m.
Sounds like bad times for such a pretty little lady. FWIW I may be able to help. Look me up when you are in Atlanta.

[email protected] to [email protected], May 18, 1865, 3:05 p.m.
BTW, have you heard from Ashley???

[email protected] to [email protected], January 12, 1866, 10:32 p.m.
I am planning a little trip to Atlanta soon--join me for libations and laughs?

[email protected] to [email protected], January 14, 1866, 11:13 p.m.
Will you be in town next Tuesday? I may try to fit you in between my afternoon calls if I can find the time.

[email protected] to [email protected], January 15, 1866, 12:10 p.m.
As God is my witness, I�ll never contact you again, Rhett Butler, if you don�t respond!

[email protected] to [email protected], January 21, 1866, 9:16 p.m.
Scarlett, it would be great to see you! Did you hear I'm incarcerated? Inconvenient, but I should be getting bailed out of here soon. (The Yankees are complicating my finances at present.) I'm sure we can find some way to entertain ourselves here, my dear ;) Wear something green to set off your eyes.

[email protected] to [email protected], January 21, 1866, 10:23 p.m.
Never mind. TTYL�maybe.

2. Romeo and Juliet

[email protected] to [email protected], August 8, 1597 12:33 p.m.
Juliet wilst drink of an elixir that shall borrow sleep from death for two and forty hours. Thou shalt come hither to the Capulet�s vault and when she awakens with roses restored to her lips and cheek, you shall bear thy lady hence to Mantua.

[email protected] to [email protected], August 8, 1597 12:34 p.m.
Your message was not received. The recipient�s inbox is full.

[email protected] to [email protected], August 8, 1597 12:36 p.m.
Friar, stay thy plot! Halt thy plan with Juliet!

3. A Street Car Named Desire*

Text Message from 504-738-9925 to 504-837-1409, July 26, 1948 1:15 a.m.
STELLA!

Text Message from 504-738-9925 to 504-837-1409, July 26, 1948 1:16 a.m.
STELLA!

[email protected] to [email protected], July 26, 1948 1:18 a.m.
STELLA!

Stanley Kowalski Facebook Status Update, July 26,1948, 1 minute ago
STELLA!

*Author�s note: This romance was really dysfunctional and already ruined.

4. Tess of the D�Ubervilles

[email protected] to [email protected], December 24, 1891 3:24 a.m.
I cannot bear the thought o� your not knowing everything before I become your wife on New Year�s day. I have had some Bygone Trouble in the past for which I pray you can forgive me now. I had to tell �ee so that we might begin our life with all confessions told. O, in the name of our love, forgive me!

[email protected] to [email protected], December 24, 1891 3:37 a.m.
Angel? Am I too wicked now for you to marry? FWIW, I�d forgive you if you had something to confess.

[email protected] to [email protected], December 25, 1891 10:23 a.m.
Thnx for letting me know. You�re not who I thought you to be. This disgusts me.

[email protected] to [email protected], December 25, 1891 10:41 a.m.
O, Angel! Will I throw myself in the river? Or shall I go back home?

[email protected] to [email protected], December 25, 1891 10:47 a.m.
DKDC

[email protected] to [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], December 25, 1891 12:19 p.m.
The wedding is off. How could I ha� been so stupid?


5. Rebecca

[email protected] to [email protected], June 23, 1938 12:17 p.m.
Darling, while you�re in London, could you do me a favor and pick up my order at the dressmaker? Don�t peek�it�s a surprise for the costume ball!

[email protected] to [email protected], June 23, 1938 1:32 p.m.
I peeked and BTW I don�t like surprises. Or secrets. What in the hell do you think you�re doing?

[email protected] to [email protected], June 23, 1938 1:33 p.m.
Oh, don�t you like it? From the portrait in the gallery? It was Mrs. Danver�s idea�

[email protected] to [email protected], June 28, 1938 1:48 p.m.
Maxim? I�m sorry you don�t like it. I won�t wear it.

[email protected] to [email protected], June 29, 1938 4:17 a.m.
I oughn�t have barked at you. This isn�t your fault.

[email protected] to [email protected], June 29, 1938 4:18 a.m.
Oh, how I do <3 you! BTW, could you suggest to Mrs. D. that we update my email address? It�s all rather unpleasant to go on using this name.

[email protected] to [email protected], June 29, 1938 6:19 a.m.
Start packing, old girl. You�re fired.

[email protected] to [email protected], June 29, 1938 8:23 a.m.
ALOL