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There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy, and the tired: 12.28.09

If nothing else, I realized how long the previous pathetic post had been up and hastened to throw this in its place. Oh, and p.s. I called, and it still wasn't worth it.

Perhaps it is the time of year; perhaps it is the fact that we are reaching the end of the first decade of the still new-ish century; perhaps it is the spate of personal injuries and bouts of illness I seem to have to contend with these days...knee/flu/knee/cold/shoulder/cold/what the hell?? But whatever the reason, I have had a great deal of time to sit around and grouchily reflect on the past year and moodily come to some sort of unfocused plan for the coming one. The name of the game is to look FORWARD. In no particular order, here's a shortlist of what I am self-absorbedly mulling over in the self-improvement department.

1) I will no longer allow myself the myopic, self-inflicted abuse of hindsight. Namely, I will stop walking past the house that almost got bought, daydreaming about boys that seemed promising but did not indicate a preference for my company one way or the other, and waxing nostalgic for the good old days except at appropriate, deeply meaningful/drunken times that are, in fact, a perpetuation of the said good old days into the present. (Hi, R!)

2) I will not be so hard on my parents. I haven't wrapped my head well enough around this whole barrel of monkeys yet, but I know this area of life calls for some kind of taking control. I see what P. is doing for his pop and it gives me tremendous pause. I hope that at the end of this new year, I'll be able to look back and feel better about unselfishly doing the best that can be done in the given situation. Cryptic, but heartfelt.

3) I don't have big PLANS per say for the next year or two, but there are few things I'd like to see myself do. I think I've got some realistic goals and one or two far-reaching ones. A good mix. Listening to E. share his scheme for the next 16 months was exciting but jaw-dropping daunting to even absorb. I've been there before (I think) and I've just got more modest concerns these days. It's the right scale for right now.

May I also take this opportunity to point out that the past year was no slouch either. I really tried to make good on the momentum I had generated by taking a new job, buying a new house, living in an old/new again town, and so on. I made a point of catching up with some of the old pals I hadn't seen in a while and I've made some brand new pals. All in all, not a bad tally.

I will spare you all of my musings on romance and various interpretations of why this category of ye olde life persists in being so darn problematic. But I will note that this past year, I think I've finally lost my patience with wishwashy once and for all. If you have to wish, then it's a wash. I'm only interested in what's here, now, and real. Any and all other iterations of dating can suck it.

Also, I would like to recognize how pleasant it is that my siblings are reproducing--having kids around to serve as the center of family functions these days is really pretty fun. I take this aunting job seriously and have every intention of maintaining my one- to three-year old fan base in the coming year.

And finally, 2010: It's time to be a quitter. Seriously. At some point. No ridiculous proclamations of the first of the year...but at some point. At some point. I'll keep you posted.

reflect - reinvent ....rayclaire@gmail.com... what i used to think... what i hear... what i see... where i'd like to be...

the black apple... the girl who... sarah brown... thunderpie... evany... jenny b harris... posie... claude le monde... artsy... fartsy... jeff... random person in texas... another rachel... smitten kitchen... more of me... still more of me... even more of me...and yet still more of me...more of me but not for free...

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