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Wouldn't It Be Nice 9.18.07

A trick to holding it all together when you get upset is catching onto some nice, calming memory and calling it to mind to calm you down. I perfected this technique during broken leg #1. Whenever I would feel myself spiraling into a lowgrade panic attack--Dear god, I will always walk like this; why won't this stop hurting; don't even think about the ugly scars, wouldn't health insurance have been nice;--I would begin madly spindling little scenes in the back of my mind trying to find the one that would do the trick--that wildflower field in Maine; sitting in the sun that one afternoon by the Chester feeling fine; the scene from Anne of Green Gables that always makes me tear up and sigh--and usually I could calm myself down sufficiently.

Lately, I am not finding that trick very useful. The scenes that I remember making me happy are now the stuff of wrenching memories and if onlies.

Although, pretty recently, I did like sitting in the late afternoon corridor of sunlight that streaked across the coffee shop from the patio doors, reading that relatively silly book I had heard about from S. about self-discovery and self-validation and self, self, self (So self-serving after the first few chapters, but still, I'd just bought it, hadn't I?); the rasberry rubharb pie was warm and perfectly tart and sweet, just like the chai, and my leg, rightfully aching now from the all-day hike I'd done in the hills that pushed and turned you from one side of things to another--beach to forest to meadow to soggy estuary, was propped on the chair in front of me, and I (hate to say it) felt a little smug.

reflect - reinvent ....rayclaire@gmail.com... what i used to think... what i hear... what i see... where i'd like to be...

the black apple... the girl who... sarah brown... thunderpie... evany... jenny b harris... posie... claude le monde... artsy... fartsy... jeff... random person in texas... another rachel... smitten kitchen... more of me... still more of me... even more of me...and yet still more of me...more of me but not for free...

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