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1.24.06: Again and Always

Again and always, Baltimore offered up some deep-dish comfort and hearty sociability. It was nice, so nice, to feel the love. These are the people I know best and who know me best and altogether the result is like a big sigh. I don’t have to censor myself or feel uptight and worried that I’m rubbing them wrong. And I also don’t have to try if I don’t feel like it. Just sitting in silence with E., while he flipped through a magazine and I patted the head of a cat that has passed from old friend to old friend, staring out at the traffic on Charles St., sipping coffee in that friendly morning Baltimore light I like so well. It was pleasant.

Going out in Balmer was also pleasing in a different way. The best was when R. and I laughed about silly, politically incorrect statements and bad jokes at the expense of Edvard Munch for minutes on end—the distance between low-brow and high-brow is not as far as one might think. When he mentioned the notion of smoking as part of the “other worldliness” of going out at night, it made so much sense. (The idea that the cigarette is that thin line between the buttoned-up, responsible world of your day and the mischief and excitement of night….) Still, lung disease ain’t going to listen to any rationalization, regardless of its appeal. Cough.

De-aunted again. Funny how expectation drops into disappointment. I am tired of that feeling. But how dull it would be not to live in expectation. Of something!

reflect - reinvent ....rayclaire@gmail.com... what i used to think... what i hear... what i see... where i'd like to be...

the black apple... the girl who... sarah brown... thunderpie... evany... jenny b harris... posie... claude le monde... artsy... fartsy... jeff... random person in texas... another rachel... smitten kitchen... more of me... still more of me... even more of me...and yet still more of me...more of me but not for free...

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