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Hang in there, baby! 1.24.05

That phrase about if you only have a hammer, then everything is a nail? Well, that’s a poster that belongs on your high school guidance counselor’s wall, but check out my personal banner for the week: If all you have is irrational negativity, then everything is scary. This weekend, I succeeded in completely spooking myself. Boo!

True, my weekend involved a great deal of goopily sublime cuddling. This is not to be overlooked. However, in no particular order it also incorporated: a phone call from my best girl in CA in tears over the untimely demise of her relationship; a drunk, drunk, drunk phone call from one of my oldest friends bemoaning the nasty underside of life; a phone call from a good pal distraught about how he cheated on his girlfriend this past weekend (with whom he’s been trying desperately to salvage a relationship for the past several months. huh.); a self-deprecating crisis involving my leetle sister’s bridesmaid dress choice and a heinous bridal shop salesgirl; and the building frustration that things can really suck despite your finest efforts, despite your own personal niceness, despite your best intentions, and despite your wish that they really wouldn’t. And then I just got really scared.

Luckily, I think I got yanked off that ledge in the nick of time. A negative roll like that never results in anything but a total trainwreck of emotion, fear, frustration, anger…you name it. Hearing S. relive his long-past pinings for some sweet young thing he dated once…an innocuous observation to be sure, yet in the present circumstances that was when the ledge became something I could peer past the edge of—you know, gee the people look like ants down there—in other words, perilously close to plunging. And then, just like that, I got yanked back. Into what I like to think of as reality: Betrayal is always a risk; You never know what people will pull; You never know how you are going to react to some crappy situation; You never know if things will turn some corner and overwhelm you with a gratuitous, utterly and fantastically soothing sense of feeling like you’re doing the right thing. All the phone calls, my friends detailing their recent devastations, the lousy feelings of earlier in the day exacerbating my pessimistic conclusions—they’re real. But so is the fact that you never know. You just never know. Optimism definitely requires less of an effort right now. It looks like a quick n’easy shortcut to feeling fine, so I’ll take it.

reflect - reinvent ....rayclaire@gmail.com... what i used to think... what i hear... what i see... where i'd like to be...

the black apple... the girl who... sarah brown... thunderpie... evany... jenny b harris... posie... claude le monde... artsy... fartsy... jeff... random person in texas... another rachel... smitten kitchen... more of me... still more of me... even more of me...and yet still more of me...more of me but not for free...

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