Milking how cheezed off I am: 3.23.04

Here�s the skinny: that new dairy ad campaign that�s out on TV? It depresses the living fuck out of me. It has some milk and cheese dancing around or whatever and then this song comes on: �1-2-3, that�s how easy it�s gonna be, to fall in love with meeeee�� trying to get you to stuff your piehole with some processed cheese and 4% milkwater three times a day, and maybe the cheese and milk don�t dance. I don�t know because I didn�t actually see the ad, I just heard it come on like four times within an hour while I was lying in bed trying to read Jane Eyre and ignore the fact that I had left the TV on like two hours ago before I had gotten bored and wandered off into bed (naturally) with Jane Eyre (reading for the first time EVAH).

But anyway, it�s like some kind of dairy conglomerate thing where all the dairy production people get together to try and retain their top spot on the government�s food triangle�a clear sign that the food people are in cahoots with the silence=death people, implying that adherence to the food pyramid�s rubric is closely linked to your likelihood of contracting some kind of degenerative fatal illness, which is just what the government would want you to believe because, like homosexuality, the subversive folly of ignoring federally mandated nutritional management should be punished by slow death �which is so sad because everybody knows nobody gives a shit about milk anymore. When I was a kid it was always, �Drink your milk,� and obviously now we can�t even ensure that everyone even HAS their milk. And you know what else is strange? I never heard of lactose intolerance when I was a kid. Now it�s as common as a Bush in the White House. Think about that phrase: LACTOSE INTOLERANT. It makes it seem like it�s YOUR fault your digestive tract trips over itself trying to expel milk products, like you are somehow biased against milk�you are a dairy bigot. Veerrry interesting, no?

But the song made me sad because if falling in love is so damn easy, what�s the point and why doesn�t everyone do so with me? Which is when I decided it would be an ideal time to mix a cheesewater cocktail (neat) and down it while sitting outside in the freezing cold smoking a cigarette. Which I did and it made me remember the good Russian joke about the cow: After some point of economic upheaval, the cow realizes she has got to generate some income for herself if she�s going to survive. She goes out to sit by the side of the road and calls out, �Milk, cream, butter!� People keep passing her by and taking no notice of her and soon she realizes that she�ll never be able to make ends meet this way. So she sits and thinks for a minute. Finally she decides, "Fuck it," and starts calling out, �Milk, cream, butter, beef!�