old new guestbook dland GLINT



Help, I have a blind date tonight 2.26.04

So yeah, I love myself pretty hard. Not in a “when I think about you” Divinyls kind of way. I mean I am one of those people who thinks they are so great. I am so great. Probably, I am way more great than you think you are. The most pointed examples of my own greatness come to me in the form of sour grapes. Like anytime I am exposed to some kind of substandard artistic creation that nonetheless holds some redeeming degree of appeal, I think, “I could have done that, and done it so much better.” But I didn’t do it and am forced to choke on my intake of the substandard book/story/poem/play/movie/article/whatever, which is good because it leaves no room for choking on the sour grapiness of the fact that I didn’t do it in the first place.

By substandard I mean, of course, that which falls below the standards that govern my own artistic outputs. Which are, by and large, genius. Indeed, much like large geniuses, such a lack of humility is unattractive, I know, especially in one who has absolutely nothing to show for oneself. My creative fruits are sadly unknown because, like every egotistical blowhard, I also suffer from poor self-esteem. This crippling condition makes me think twice ad infinitum before gritting my teeth and putting my self/work "out there." And it’s bad. My self-esteem falls even further below the average poverty-esteem line because of the humongousness of my ego that it must counteract. And this ridiculously large ego, as we know, is tainted and stained with juice of so many sour grapes, grown and withered on the twisted vines of my poor, poor esteem. Vicious cycle, release me!

The last thing that really irked the hell out of me and jumpstarted this internal loop-de-loop was this. I could have written this dialogue in my sleep! But I wouldn’t have because it is so dumb. My dialogue would have been better tongue-in-cheek-witty-blasé-post-modern-genX-disaffected-yet relevant-30-something-dooobedoobeda-touche’-zippy banter! Ack.

reflect - reinvent ....rayclaire@gmail.com... what i used to think... what i hear... what i see... where i'd like to be...

the black apple... the girl who... sarah brown... thunderpie... evany... jenny b harris... posie... claude le monde... artsy... fartsy... jeff... random person in texas... another rachel... smitten kitchen... more of me... still more of me... even more of me...and yet still more of me...more of me but not for free...

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